chefmeg's Xanga

Monday, October 03, 2005

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 05:42:22 GMT

RAAAAAARH. I'm drunk, and don't give a fuck So it's all coming out. like vomit... except NOT vomit. The subjects we shall touch upon tonight: work, diet, BOB, me, and why i'm stupid.

oh the joys of southern comfort and irish cream... no not mixed together... chasing each other in rapid succesion. and a little kelly clarkson... her breakaway album.. how is it that almost EVERY song on that damn record speaks to my soul, to the words i am crying to scream with every fiber of my being? ok... time for the funnn!

ok, the irish cream chasing the soco isn't so good.. switching to coke, or some other carbonated beverage. except for beer. hold on... and yes, coke works.

Work:

Work is fun... sometimes. other times it makes me want to kill myself by taking my chef knife to my throat and jumping up on the cutting board and slicing my head off... but then i don't. i look down, and continue doing whatever the fuck i was doing... be it opening oysters, clams... making shrimp med, pulled pork sandwiches, hamburgers, filets, new york strips, sirloins, lamb chops, setting up plates, making everything look so damn PERFECT.

the damn incestual habits of Cedars Steakhouse... nearly everyone's slept with at least someone in the kitchen... and i have become one of those. hahahah .i hope bob reads this, and i hope it tears his heart out, like he did mine...

Me and Brandon had... a thing. i wouldn't go so far as to call it sleeping with him... but nearly everything else, and wait... we did actually sleep together... but no sex... but everything else. And he was MUCH better then bob could ever dream of being... so no, it wasn't me it was bob. apparently i'm damn good at giving head. too bad bob will miss out. oh, and this was while bob and i were dating. that's right... i cheated on your fucking ass. Hah! ooh. another shot... please pardon the momentary silence....

back! i know you missed me. Perhaps not.. but i missed me.

next on the list... DIET!

ok... well, it's not that i haven't followed the diet... i just haven't been eating... i suppose that's a bad thing, but if you don't eat, you don't have extra calories... they say you should have a negative 3500 calorie diet... well... mine's WAY more then that... the average female should eat 1500 calories every day, just to sustain their body and moving around during a regular day... not including working out, or working in a kitchen which is like working out in itself... sweating, lifting heavy things, running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. (<--hey, what i imagine at work!) i've figured out that at work, i walk about... 7 miles a day... well, it depends on where i am. if i'm on prep, then i'm doing about 10-15 miles a day. if im working the line, it's about 3 miles. (and this doesn't count walking up the damn hill to my car, which is about half a mile at my house.)

so yes... as nikki said that her "diet" consists of sleeping all day, eating one meal, and then drinkgin all night... well, that is obviously my diet... excpet for the eating one meal, and drinking all night. except for tonight... that's different. i've never drunk alone.. but it's becoming a nasty habit, because no one ever comes over, and i'm always alone. whatever. do i smell? i don't think i do... i shower at least once a day... right when i get up, and if i work out, right after that... and then when i get home from work... which is a total of THREE. i've gone fucking OCD about cleanliness since bob left me. i don t kknow why. wow. my typing is getting worse by tyhe minute. SHEEAt.

ok, enough diet talk. onto the next subject, which is BOB.

so, i've burned every picture i had of him, deleted every picture on my computer of him... i don't want to see him, think of hhim or anything anymore... but now i think of him at all times. i've only been sleeping about 2-4 hours a night, becuase i keep dreaming of him. his smile, his hugs, his kisses...

when he broke up with me... it went like this. "meaghan, i don't think we should be dating anymore."
"what?"
"I don't really love you anymore... i've been waiting for the spark to come back, for the romance to come back, but it hasn.t"
"what?"
"I'm sorry meaghan."
"WHAT?"
( i was expecting him to propose to me this day...)
so after this, i grabbed my bag and said:
"Well, this was fun."
i stood up, and turned so fucking fast. i marched myself out the front door of the restaurant (yes, he took me out to lunch, right before i had to go to work) and practiacally ran to my car. I wouldn't let him see me cry. i can't let him see me cry. I turned my ipod on, and guess what song was next on the random selection? Breakaway, by kelly clarkson.

Do you know how hard it is to drive when your vision is clouded by tears? i didn't care that people were looking at me like i was crazy, when my windows were all the way down, and the stereo all the way up, and i was SCREAMING along with the song. and then just screaming.
( i hate myself... for loosing you)

i want to hate him, to hate everything about him. but I CANT. stupid, iknow.

next topic, this one makes me cry every moment i talk about it.

Me, and why i'm stupid.

See all the above. also... still thinking about that car accident.. thinking it definitly wouldn't be a bad thing anymore. as well as killing myself... and it's weird... i've been having dreams of me skiing, and then i fall, and hit a big old tree... My head begins to bleed, and all these people that i love are around me, holding my head, telling me to hold on, but i keep slipping.. and then i wake up. It's either that dream that keeps me from getting sleep, or bob. I dream of him coming into the house, and slipping into bed... i don't know why.. but i keep on dreaming it, and i wake up, and turn over and touch his side... and he's not there. it's empty, with just me laying in the bed.

so yes, i am crazy. FUCKING LOONY

i should be in an institution... but no, i'm allowed to run the streets! hahaha!

watchout. I'm fucking LOOSe, an CRAZY as a loon.

i really should be locked up.

chef MEG

by the way, i'm going to be changing my screen name soon, just wanted to let ya'll know..

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 18:41:52 GMT

well, life hasn't been going so fabulous lately, so i've decided to shake things up a bit.

(ugh, my body is so damn tired... stupid aerobic excersize.)

yes, ladies and gentlemen, i am now on a new work out routine, and diet... (a what?) yes bitches... i don't really eat anyways, so it wont be that hard to follow the diet, except that when you can't have it, you want it even more. like how they said cravings will go away after a couple minutes or so... they lied. I saw a show on food network about pie... and i want a damn quiche. i don't know why quiche, but i do. damnit.

ugh, time to go and shake my booty. and then work. stupid work.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 04:17:29 GMT

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

thank you kelly clakrson for giving me words to describe.

and another by kelly clarksone (by the way, i'm fucking DRUNK off my aSSS.)

"Addicted"

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

wow... how does she make songs that emulate exactly what i want to say?

whatever... this is me and deal with it damn it.

FUCK. ilove him, and i miss him.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 16:15:41 GMT

well... it happened.

he broke up with me.

and with tears screaming to come out of my eyes right now, i need to do something. Drink, write, cry... i'm not sure. It may be in that order, even though i have work in about 3 hours. fuck it, i'll go in wasted. maybe i won't cry then.

bob, if you read this... i still love you, and i might always love you for the rest of my life. I have never let a man into my world like i let you. but i will make sure to never allow someone to hurt you like you hurt me. no, you won't see me cry, i'm better then that. But when i'm all alone you can be sure that the tears will flow so deep that i may drown.

friends... i love you.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 17:19:43 GMT

IF YOU READ THIS, even if we DO SPEAK OR DON'T SPEAK OFTEN, comment with one memory of me and you. it can be anything you want. GOOD OR BAD. just as long as it HAPPENED. THEN, post this on your xanga. see what other people remember about YOU...

Friday, September 02, 2005

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 03:36:14 GMT

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Meaghan
Birthday:	11-22-83
Birthplace:	Hartford, CT... i think.
Current Location:	Norwich, CT. i think.
Eye Color:	Green/Blue
Hair Color:	Red
Height:	5'2"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	i'm a damn mutt... English, Scottish, Irish, native American, German, French, Italian by marriage.
The Shoes You Wore Today:	my work shoes... black and plain.
Your Weakness:	love
Your Fears:	love
Your Perfect Pizza:	love... haha, no. perfect pizza, lately has been Buffalo Chicken
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	this year... become engaged.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	i don't want to go to work.
Your Best Physical Feature:	my face
Your Bedtime:	4 am
Your Most Missed Memory:	if it's a missed memory... how would you know what it is?
Pepsi or Coke:	neither.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	neither
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	yes
Do you Swear:	yes
Do you Sing:	yes
Do you Shower Daily:	sometimes TWICE!
Have you Been in Love:	i think i am now.
Do you want to go to College:	i would like to go again.
Do you want to get Married:	yes... see above.
Do you belive in yourself:	it depends.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	it depends.
Do you think you are Attractive:	actually, i do.
Are you a Health Freak:	haha, nope.
Do you get along with your Parents:	my mother, yes.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	love them
Do you play an Instrument:	guitar
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yep
In the past month have you Smoked:	yep
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	... no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no, they're in a bag.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	many MANY times.
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	... almost.
Ever Shoplifted:	once... (eek)
How do you want to Die:	skipping this question.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i want to write
What country would you most like to Visit:	Ireland (again)
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	don't care
Favourite Hair Color:	brown
Short or Long Hair:	short
Height:	tall enough
Weight:	doesn't matter
Best Clothing Style:	as long as he's comfortable.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	... what?
Number of CDs I own:	too many.
Number of Piercings:	3
Number of Tattoos:	1
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Friday, August 19, 2005

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 18:51:36 GMT

You are "Bring me to life" by
Evanescence. Hopeless, depressed and soulless
are your keywords. Yet you have a hope, someone
who can see you for who you are. Keep
searching, or start to.

Which of the rock songs that I like are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 17:32:49 GMT

the Ham
(30% dark, 69% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT

Your style's mostly goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for partiesand for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away withcorny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure foryour friends. People of your type are often the most approachable andpopular people in their circle. Your simple & sillygood-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart inthis sarcastic world.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 9% on dark
You scored higher than 94% on spontaneous
You scored higher than 35% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 18:09:29 GMT

I don't know if any of you knew James Dagon, but he killed himself last night.

I don't know how, if he left a note, or why, but i felt that if you knew him... you should know.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 05:56:23 GMT

whoa.

quite drunk, so therefore you shall enjoy a new drunken post.

yes, it's been a long itme since a drunken post, but it's a new one never-the-less.

hey, nikki... i could beat you in a typing competition now. remember when i used to marvel at how you used to not look at the keyboard, and type perfectly? I WIN! mwahahahhahahahaha. except i'm drunk. however my fingers manage to find their way to it. so therefore i win.

wow... therefore is a big word. except not.

did you know?????

I could marry Bob this moment, and never have a worry?
Bob told me that during our second month of dating, i told him i would marry him, should he ask.
i don't remember that previous statement.
however i did do it.
i was once raped in college!
but i overcame it by attempting suicide, and failing, OBVIOUSLY.
but now i'm not that way anymore.
i'm actually happy.
can you believe it?
i can.

ok, enough of the did you know shit.

time for a little lovin

mmmmm. SEX!