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| RAAAAAARH. I'm drunk, and don't give a fuck So it's all coming out.
like vomit... except NOT vomit. The subjects we shall touch upon
tonight: work, diet, BOB, me, and why i'm stupid.
oh the joys of southern comfort and irish cream... no not mixed
together... chasing each other in rapid succesion. and a little kelly
clarkson... her breakaway album.. how is it that almost EVERY song on
that damn record speaks to my soul, to the words i am crying to scream
with every fiber of my being? ok... time for the funnn!
ok, the irish cream chasing the soco isn't so good.. switching to coke,
or some other carbonated beverage. except for beer. hold on... and yes,
coke works.
Work:
Work is fun... sometimes. other times it makes me want to kill myself
by taking my chef knife to my throat and jumping up on the cutting
board and slicing my head off... but then i don't. i look down, and
continue doing whatever the fuck i was doing... be it opening oysters,
clams... making shrimp med, pulled pork sandwiches, hamburgers, filets,
new york strips, sirloins, lamb chops, setting up plates, making
everything look so damn PERFECT.
the damn incestual habits of Cedars Steakhouse... nearly everyone's
slept with at least someone in the kitchen... and i have become one of
those. hahahah .i hope bob reads this, and i hope it tears his
heart out, like he did mine...
Me and Brandon had... a thing. i wouldn't go so far as to call it
sleeping with him... but nearly everything else, and wait... we did
actually sleep together... but no sex... but everything else. And he
was MUCH better then bob could ever dream of being... so no, it wasn't
me it was bob. apparently i'm damn good at giving head. too bad bob
will miss out. oh, and this was while bob and i were dating. that's
right... i cheated on your fucking ass. Hah! ooh. another shot...
please pardon the momentary silence....
back! i know you missed me. Perhaps not.. but i missed me.
next on the list... DIET!
ok... well, it's not that i haven't followed the diet... i just haven't
been eating... i suppose that's a bad thing, but if you don't eat, you
don't have extra calories... they say you should have a negative 3500
calorie diet... well... mine's WAY more then that... the average female
should eat 1500 calories every day, just to sustain their body and
moving around during a regular day... not including working out, or
working in a kitchen which is like working out in itself... sweating,
lifting heavy things, running around like a chicken with it's head cut
off. (<--hey, what i imagine at work!) i've figured out that at
work, i walk about... 7 miles a day... well, it depends on where i am.
if i'm on prep, then i'm doing about 10-15 miles a day. if im working
the line, it's about 3 miles. (and this doesn't count walking up the
damn hill to my car, which is about half a mile at my house.)
so yes... as nikki said that her "diet" consists of sleeping all day,
eating one meal, and then drinkgin all night... well, that is obviously
my diet... excpet for the eating one meal, and drinking all night.
except for tonight... that's different. i've never drunk alone.. but
it's becoming a nasty habit, because no one ever comes over, and i'm
always alone. whatever. do i smell? i don't think i do... i shower at
least once a day... right when i get up, and if i work out, right after
that... and then when i get home from work... which is a total of
THREE. i've gone fucking OCD about cleanliness since bob left me. i don
t kknow why. wow. my typing is getting worse by tyhe minute. SHEEAt.
ok, enough diet talk. onto the next subject, which is BOB.
so, i've burned every picture i had of him, deleted every picture on my
computer of him... i don't want to see him, think of hhim or anything
anymore... but now i think of him at all times. i've only been sleeping
about 2-4 hours a night, becuase i keep dreaming of him. his smile, his
hugs, his kisses...
when he broke up with me... it went like this. "meaghan, i don't think we should be dating anymore."
"what?"
"I don't really love you anymore... i've been waiting for the spark to come back, for the romance to come back, but it hasn.t"
"what?"
"I'm sorry meaghan."
"WHAT?"
( i was expecting him to propose to me this day...)
so after this, i grabbed my bag and said:
"Well, this was fun."
i stood up, and turned so fucking fast. i marched myself out the front
door of the restaurant (yes, he took me out to lunch, right before i
had to go to work) and practiacally ran to my car. I wouldn't let him
see me cry. i can't let him see me cry. I turned my ipod on, and guess
what song was next on the random selection? Breakaway, by kelly
clarkson.
Do you know how hard it is to drive when your vision is clouded by
tears? i didn't care that people were looking at me like i was crazy,
when my windows were all the way down, and the stereo all the way up,
and i was SCREAMING along with the song. and then just screaming.
( i hate myself... for loosing you)
i want to hate him, to hate everything about him. but I CANT. stupid, iknow.
next topic, this one makes me cry every moment i talk about it.
Me, and why i'm stupid.
See all the above. also... still thinking about that car accident..
thinking it definitly wouldn't be a bad thing anymore. as well as
killing myself... and it's weird... i've been having dreams of me
skiing, and then i fall, and hit a big old tree... My head begins to
bleed, and all these people that i love are around me, holding my head,
telling me to hold on, but i keep slipping.. and then i wake up. It's
either that dream that keeps me from getting sleep, or bob. I dream of
him coming into the house, and slipping into bed... i don't know why..
but i keep on dreaming it, and i wake up, and turn over and touch his
side... and he's not there. it's empty, with just me laying in the bed.
so yes, i am crazy. FUCKING LOONY
i should be in an institution... but no, i'm allowed to run the streets! hahaha!
watchout. I'm fucking LOOSe, an CRAZY as a loon.
i really should be locked up.
chef MEG
by the way, i'm going to be changing my screen name soon, just wanted to let ya'll know..
| | |
| well, life hasn't been going so fabulous lately, so i've decided to shake things up a bit.
(ugh, my body is so damn tired... stupid aerobic excersize.)
yes, ladies and gentlemen, i am now on a new work out routine, and
diet... (a what?) yes bitches... i don't really eat anyways, so it wont
be that hard to follow the diet, except that when you can't have it,
you want it even more. like how they said cravings will go away after a
couple minutes or so... they lied. I saw a show on food network about
pie... and i want a damn quiche. i don't know why quiche, but i do.
damnit.
ugh, time to go and shake my booty. and then work. stupid work.
| | |
|
"Behind These Hazel Eyes"
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
thank you kelly clakrson for giving me words to describe.
and another by kelly clarksone (by the way, i'm fucking DRUNK off my aSSS.)
"Addicted"
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
wow... how does she make songs that emulate exactly what i want to say?
whatever... this is me and deal with it damn it.
FUCK. ilove him, and i miss him.
| | |
| well... it happened.
he broke up with me.
and with tears screaming to come out of my eyes right now, i need to do
something. Drink, write, cry... i'm not sure. It may be in that order,
even though i have work in about 3 hours. fuck it, i'll go in wasted.
maybe i won't cry then.
bob, if you read this... i still love you, and i might always love you
for the rest of my life. I have never let a man into my world like i
let you. but i will make sure to never allow someone to hurt you like
you hurt me. no, you won't see me cry, i'm better then that. But when
i'm all alone you can be sure that the tears will flow so deep that i
may drown.
friends... i love you.
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| IF YOU READ THIS, even if we DO SPEAK OR DON'T SPEAK OFTEN, comment with one memory of me and you. it can be anything you want. GOOD OR BAD. just as long as it HAPPENED. THEN, post this on your xanga. see what other people remember about YOU... | | |
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